


A Sassin' Creed: Pun-Issuement

by LadyLustful



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: AUs, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Author loves to chat in the Comments, Bad Jokes, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bad Puns, Black Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Connor & Edward bonding, Crack friendship, Gallows Humor, Gen, I go down with this Brotp, Kenway Family, Kenway family feels, Kittens, LITERALLY, Mood Whiplash, Morbid Humor, Obscene Humor, Pirate Puns, Puns Without Plot, Romantic Fluff, Sassin' Assassins, cruel and unusual pun-issuement, dad jokes, extremely mild smut, sorry Ezio, they are the same thing though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2018-12-04 04:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 86
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11547765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: An entire alternate multiverse of AC made of bad puns. And even worse puns.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [invisible_cities](https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_cities/gifts).



The assassin attacks suddenly in the night, dropping down on Haytham so swiftly and silently, that, by all rights, he should be dead before he noticed. He isn't. Instead, he is profoundly uncomfortable, lying on his back, on the ground, pressed into it by a roughly 200-pound hooded man who is holding the front of Haytham's jacket with one hand and what seems to be a tomahawk with the other.

"I am looking for Charles Lee", Growls out his assailant. "Where is he?"

And Haytham responds before he thinks about it.

"Hello, Looking For Charles Lee. I am Haytham Kenway."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU where Edward lived to know Connor and make dad jokes at him.

"Connor, it's my birthday today..."  
"Yeah, I know."  
"...which means that..."  
"No, don't say it, Grandpa..."  
"Aye matey."  
Connor facepalms.


	3. Chapter 3

"He's my father. We should be family", said Connor miserably. "but he's the Templar Grand Master and I'm an assassin and I want to kill him and I feel guilty about it."

"He isn't your father in anything but blood", explained Achilles. "But still, I understand the fact that you Haytham Kenway* on your conscience."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* the fact that you hate him can weigh on your conscience


	4. Chapter 4

"Evie, let's go celebrate. Have a beer or something. It's our special day."

"What special day?", Evie asks Jacob.

"Frye-day."

***

After searching through all of Nassau, Ade found Edward hungover in a tree and tried to wake him.

"Lemme sleep," muttered Edward. "I have a Ed-ache."

 


	5. Chapter 5

"Edward, I am a woman," said Mary.

Edward replied:

"You Kidd."

 

***

"Shaun", said Desmond, "I keep hearing those mistrels that were bothering Ezio."

"Looks like you're having Auditore halucinations."


	6. Chapter 6

"Thatch, my friend, want to help me plan this raid?", Edward Kenway asked Blackbeard. "I could do this myself, but two Eds are better than one."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I break the non-narrative to give you more bad puns.

What do you call an angry Edward Kenway? 

.. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

Captain Pissed Off

*

Where do Assassins keep their robes? 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

In the Assassins' Bureau


	8. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because being cruel to Connor is typical Haytham.

As Haytham slid to the ground, pressing a rapidly weakening hand to a wound in his neck bleeding far too profusely to have a hope of staunching it, Connor stared down at him with something akin to dismay. He had done it, he had murdered his father, and while he had hated him and wanted to fight and overpower him, to make him suffer, he had never wanted to kill the older man. It had simply been unthinkable - and now, he had made it real.

"Forgive me, father", he begged. "I have made a mistake."

"So have I", replied Haytham. "And twenty years later, it stabbed me in the neck."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More dead dad jokes. This time with profane themes. Warning: dark humor, sexual humor, canon death

While Ezio's considerable equipment was the talk of all Italy, it was a less known fact that the trait was hereditary.  Indeed, all the men in his family had been hung. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Ezio; )


	10. Walk of Shayme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shay stays the night with Grandmaster Kenway and encounters an assassin.  
> Shaytham, gayness, drunkenness, awkwardness, drunk sex, and cruel and unusual pun-issuement.

It's around dawn. The Grandmaster is still sleeping, having drunk enough the previous night that Shay felt compelled to resist his advances until the man damn well ordered him to fuck him (he doesn't usually listen to orders but that one suddenly seemed like a good idea, he has a thing for Haytham being all intense and commanding), dark hair spread in a messy halo, arms wrapped around a pillow like... like... a Kraken with a ship or something, assuming a very small ship and a very cute and drunk Kraken, Shay has no talent for metaphors. Shay is also drunk, but far less so, and restless rather than sleepy, hoping a walk will clear his head. He slips out of bed, kisses Haytham on the temple, gets dressed as quietly as he can (not that the Grandmaster wouldn't probably sleep through a major artillery barrage in this state), and heads for the door, deciding he is nowhere near sober enough to attempt the window.

He makes it two-thirds of the way out of the house when he sees it.

There is an Assassin in the hall. Shay notices the white hood first and then the actual person wearing it - six foot change, young, built like a major fort, with bronze skin and heavy features, black hair slipping out of its tie, and an expression that somehow manages to convey awkward, clueless, unimpressed and disapproving at the same time despite not looking any different that it does all the time. Connor. Bad news, but far from the worst. The boy may hate Templars, especially Lee, and pose a serious danger in a fight, but he also happens to have a truce with Haytham and seems far too honourable to break it. Awkward civility it is then.  
"What are you doing here?"  
Shay opens his mouth, hoping to come up with an explanation that both makes sense and isn't excruciatingly mortiying. However he must be drunker than he thought because what actually comes out is:  
"You know those moments when you're doing the walk of Shay and get Connored by your partner's child? I Haytham."


	11. Looking for Boiling Water

Haytham leans agains the door of the room they had rented in the inn for the night, other hand pinching the bridge of his nose.  
"I have a headache. I'm going to bed. Don't disturb me."  
"Can I help? Do you need anything?"  
Haytham had not expected that. He had not expected the boy to care. Still, let it never be said that the Grandmaster of the Colonial Rite cannot use a situation to his advantage.  
"Tea. A cup of tea would be nice. You do know how to make a cup of tea?"  
The boy appears to be offended by the question.  
"Of course I do. What... "  
"Good", Haytham cuts him off, waving his hand. "Now go."  
"Hello," Connor asks the innkeeper's wife, poking his head into her kitchen shyly.  
The woman glares at him from beneath her curly gray fringe.   
"I am looking for boiling water."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to make a (probably very bad) pun in (probably very bad) Mohawk, which I do not speak.  
> The pun is based on the fact that Connor looks for Charles Lee, Charles Lee's Indian name is Boiling Water.


	12. Chapter 12

People see the struggle between Assassins and Templars as black and white, they don't notice the Shays of grey.


	13. Booty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of the AyeMateyVerse or the AliveWard AU (as opposed to Deadward). Because Connor and Ed would be like the ultimate odd pair of buddies in a cop movie. Except with revolution-era Assassins instead of cops.

"Hey, Connor, Connor!"

"What?", snaps Connor. Normally he likes the elder assassin well enough but this mission's celebration has put Edward in extra-annoying-drunk mode.

"Booty."

"I don't get it."

"Exactly", laughs Edward as he falls down into a stack of hay.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Shaymeful AC Puns.

What food could Ziio have taught Evie to make if they met?

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

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. 

. 

Fryebread.

(Frybread is a thing. It's apparently delicious, but I never have eaten it. And Evie and Ziio are totally my crack-Brotp,  because, let's be honest these two badass (and sensible) ladies would probably totally hit it off.)

(She could also try to teach Jacob but Jacob would be more likely to blow things up by accident than make something edible. He's that kind of person.) 


	15. Chapter 15

The Assassin's Creed fandom makes some pretty Shaymeful, Hopelessly Liam puns like there Arno better jokes in the world, but Kenway Elise acknowledge that we don't pull off our Shaydes while doing so.


	16. Chapter 16

"The de la Serre girl? Really? Like there Arno other women to fall for. But Elise she is good-looking, for a Templar."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offence meant to anyone. I will joke about anything, I can't help it that much. If you are offended, I apologise but will not change my ways.

Which Assassin is a trans woman before her operation?

. 

. 

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. 

Lucy Stillman


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case Dead Haytham and Hanged Auditores didn't clue you in yet, I am a terrible person. Gonna joke about Lisbon.

After he felt the ground Shayke in Lisbon, Shay's faith in the  Assassins was Shayken, not to say Shayttered. 


	19. Chapter 19

What does Haytham say when he wants to be alone? 

. 

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. 

 

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Charles Leave


	20. Chapter 20

What would you call Desmond if he followed Edward's footsteps and became a seaman? 

. 

. 

.. 

. 

. 

. 

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. 

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. 

 

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. 

Nautical Miles


	21. Chapter 21

Apart from shanties, Connor's first mate knows an impressive number of traditional songs and trivia about them. In fact, you could call him a folk-nerd. 


	22. Chapter 22

If Assassins keep their robes in the Assassin's Bureau, where do Colonial Templars keep their outfits? 

. 

. 

. 

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. 

In the James Wardrobe


	23. Chapter 23

At first, Edward Kenway was only in it for the money. In fact you could say that what motivated him was assassin's greed


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More dead dad jokes. Poor Haytham. I don't Haytham exactly but I still keep killing him

"...And this is why the Templars will never be destroyed!", Haytham grit out as he pressed down on Connor's throat.  
Lungs burning for air, vision darkening, Connor flicks out his hidden blade and stabs at the older man's neck. Haytham recoils, letting go, presses his hands to the wound instead as he stumbles to his feet. Though his face is impassive, he seems as shocked at this turn at events as Connor himself feels.  
"You're such a pain in the neck."

 


	25. Chapter 25

Evie and Jacob are the best dressed assassins in my opinion. I call them the Fly Twins


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Retoast of old pun from "shaymeful puns" at tumblr. Which I am not affiliated with in any way.

Assassin's Creed Rouge:

I make my own look. 


	27. Chapter 27

Charles Lee was known to get angry easily. You could say he was foul-templared.


	28. Chapter 28

It's a slow day, and it's a little past midday, and Edward Kenway is already drunk. He's sitting in the cool (or: less obnoxiously hot if not exactly much less muggy) shade of the bar, listening to Jack flirting badly with Anne Bonny - and it is testimony to the extent of his inebriation that he finds Rackham's terrible pickup lines amusing rather than embarrassing.

"Hey lass, are ya a merchant ship? Cause I want to plunder yer booty."

"That's terrible", Anne shakes her head. "You have to try harder."

 "Wanna climb on my mast? I'll give ya a jolly rogering."

Another disappointed shake of Anne's head.

"Can I call ya Treasure? Cause I sure want to get my hands on yer chest."

"Still terrible", smiles Anne, in a way that lights up the whole dodgy, shabby estabilishment. "But being someone's treasure sure sounds nice."


	29. Chapter 29

What do members of the Brotherhood do to reach their target stealthily?

Assassins Creep


	30. Chapter 30

French Fryes

MilkShayke

And Haythamburger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terrible I know


	31. Chapter 31

What kind of computer/ operating system do Assassins use? 

 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

... 

. 

. 

. 

. 

. 

  1. Sometimes Apple. But mostly they use Windows. 

* * *

 




 


	32. Chapter 32

What do you find on a Charles Tree? 

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Charles Leaves


	33. Chapter 33

When Edward Kenway was a pirate merchant captains were terrified of him. In fact, he could have been called Dreadward.


	34. Chapter 34

What does Haytham Kenway  say when he's arguing with his girlfriend? 

. 

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I don't Ziio point. 


	35. Chapter 35

"Keep your hands to yourself, my dear husband",  whispered Maria Thorpe with a smug gring against the Assassin Grandmaster's skin, "or Altair up and only then have my way with you."


	36. Chapter 36

What did the Assassin say to the other Assassin to informally remind him to keep his head covered on a mission? 

. 

. 

.... 

. 

... 

. 

. 

.. 

.. 

.. 

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Bro! The hood. 


	37. Chapter 37

What kind of vegetable does Connor hate the most?

. 

 

 

 

.. 

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Charles Leeks


	38. Chapter 38

After Solomon's Temple, Altair had to prove he was worthy of being a member of the order.

In fact, you could call it a mission to regain his Assassin's Cred. 


	39. Smouldering

Connor looks so handsome with that look of barely controlled rage he gets sometimes.

.

.

.

.

.

.

In fact, he's smouldering hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barely-controlled-rage Connor is my favourite Connor. Not that awkward sweetheart puppy Connor isn't lovely too.


	40. Chapter 40

Saddest moment of Forsaken: when Edward went from Dadward to Deadward.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of borrowed from Jacen Solo

How long does Haytham sleep?

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A Templar night


	42. Chapter 42

What did all the prostitutes in Havana give Captain Kenway?

.

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Ed warts


	43. Chapter 43

Headcanons about Edward Kenway:

Ed-Canons


	44. Chapter 44

I have so many ideas about the guns on the Jackdaw.

They are Ed-Cannons


	45. Chapter 45

The Assassins chased after Shay's ship but she was already...

.

 

.

.

 

 

. 

.

.

Morri-gone


	46. Chapter 46

Kenway appreciate how hot Edward, Haytham and Connor are? 


	47. Chapter 47

Cannons on Shay's ship: 

.

..

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the Morri-guns


	48. Chapter 48

The Native boy stared up at Haytham with those big, dark eyes, and repeated in the same clear, even voice he had used before:

"My mother told me I am your son."

And Haytham found himself reeling and grasping the doorframe for support, even as he forced out the words:

"Is this some con, or..."


	49. Chapter 49

If Ms Jensen jumps off a building into a stack of hay, is it still a leap of faith or a leap of Hope?


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuse. literally

What does Ezio have in common with the clitoris?

 

 

The both hide under a hood and make women orgasm.


	51. Chapter 51

Do you think anyone ever asked grandpa Kenway where he was... 

Ed-ed? 


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More dead people jokes. I heartily apologise for being a terrible person, but it's my coping mechanism

The only thing in the modern storyline worse than Lucy going from Lucy Stillman to Lucy Killedman was Desmond Miles becoming Deadmond Miles. 


	53. Chapter 53

"Clickbait? In the Abstergo intranet? Really?"

"Yeah. Look here."

The "here" in question was a picture of two men, one in a red and black overcoat, the other in a dark blue cloak and tricorn hat", aboard some sort of old sailing ship. Above the picture, red letters glared.

"These Templars Shayped History! Assassins Haytham!"


	54. Chapter 54

"What should I name him?"

"What?", asks Edward, looking up from the letter he's writing (staring at until the letters blur and trying to make out what to say), and then notices the small black-and-white-and-ginger creature in his sever-year-old son's arms. 

"Oh, the kitten. You want me to help you name him. How about Jack?"

"Isn't Jack a person name, not a cat name?"

"Jack is most certainly a man's name, but that's no reason for it not to be a cat's name as well. And anyway, cats are people too, a little bit. They're smarter than some people and nicer than most, I reckon."

***

Edward is not much of a cat person, but Calico Jack the cat grows on him despite it, much like his pirate namesake years earlier.


	55. Chapter 55

"Traitor!" Gasped out the Assassin as Shay's hidden blade left his lung. "You should be ashaymed of yourself!"


	56. Chapter 56

The Bureau is a al-Sayf house for assassins. 


	57. Chapter 57

This pun only makes sense in writing:

Malik says he hates novice as much as reckless arrogance. 


	58. Chapter 58

Why did Desmond stand on top of the washbasin?

.

.

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.

.

.

.

 

,

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.

it was a sync point

 


	59. Chapter 59

With Shay's pale Irish complexion, I bet he sunburns easily. Maybe he out to stay in the Shayde. 

Edit: Or Shay in the Shayde

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Despite his dark hair, which is unusual but not unheard of for this type, I would classify him as a fototype 2 (pale skin, tans with difficulty but sunburns easily, prone to freckles) or possibly even 1. Edward is also a 2, Haytham is 3, Connor would be four-ish probably, but I'm not sure, because I haven't seen enough examples with my own eyes. Elise de la Serre is a type 1 (ginger and so pale she glows in the dark).


	60. Chapter 60

What did Arno's companions tell him when he wanted to know how to tell if Élise liked him?

 

 

 

Just ask, man


	61. Chapter 61

What do you call a naked Templar? 

. 

. 

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. 

. 

. 

. 

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. 

. 

Starrick naked

Or possibly Robert déshabillé*

*déshabillé - undressed


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With a dedication to SassMaster amd apologies to AC/DC, who, of course own "Highway to Hell". (Does that mean I have to pay a toll to them since I am going there?)

Living Evie, living Frye,

season ticket on a one-way ride... 


	63. Chapter 63

I hate it when Assassins drop down on me from above.

Do you have any idea how much they Kenway?

A Ratonhnhaké: -ton


	64. Chapter 64

Stealth pun here:

I don't trust George. He may seem good but I think he has tons of dirty laundry.


	65. Chapter 65

Assassin's Creed Unity as a song:

Band of Arno

*for reference: "Banned from Argo" by Leslie Fish

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q50UBIWXvfc


	66. Chapter 66

Can we say that Arno gazed at Elise aDorianly?


	67. Chapter 67

Kenway Shay that Shay and Haytham's defeat of the Colonial Brotherhood was only Templar-ary?


	68. Chapter 68

Beating up small children is a General-Lee distasteful thing to do.


	69. Chapter 69

What are those broken rocks under the cliff at the homestead?

.

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Shayle

 


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Chapter 70 already?

One bright and lovely day, Connor decided to go out hunting.  On his way out into the woods, he spotted Myriam hiding in a bush with her rifle, so he asked her:

"Hello, Myriam, have you seen animus around here?"


	71. Chapter 71

"And I Shay, hey-hey-hey, living like we're renegades..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is X-Ambassadors "Renegades"


	72. Chapter 72

Where does Charles post pictures of his pomeranians?

On templr?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a tumblr now.   
> insomniahauntsmymind.tumblr.com


	73. Chapter 73

Haytham and Shaun led me to think that the English are such...

Assassination


	74. Chapter 74

During the 19th century, the British Brotherhood used a type of parkour known as...

Frye-running


	75. Chapter 75

Okay but imagine Shay running a makeup blog:

imakemyownlook.templr.com  

#Assassin's Creed Rouge


	76. Chapter 76

What's the Templars favourite playwright?

Shay-kespeare


	77. Chapter 77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a veritable punderstorm, a punishing volley of pun upun pun. I guess that makes me a machine punner.

I have so many crackships. I don't care what you Shay, I don't care if you Haytham, I am not aShaymed.  
  
***

I asked my friend for some good AC3 porn. She replied: Do you want con, or...?  
***

How do you tell a Templar to go upstairs?

Up-stair-go.

***  
Would it be Vidic-ulous to Shay that the Templars' Berg is worse than their bite?

***

You could say Robert is not a man you want to cross.

***  
Abstergo tries to portray Connor as nothing but Aquila.

***

What did Henry have on his face when Evie told him she loved him?

A Henry Grin

***

You could say that the Templars in Sindicate are... Rothless  
  
***  
Shay almost died from Hope's poison...  
it was a close Shayve  
***  
Ziio threatened Haytham with a hatchet if he didn't leave immediately. I guess that made her his axe-wife.  
*** 

How does Desmond start his week?  
With a Desmonday

***  
Did you hear about the man who got kicked out of both the Assassins and the Templars?

He was just bad at following orders.


	78. Chapter 78

Why doesn't Shay buy Star Wars figurines?

..

/.

.

.

.

.

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.

.

He makes his own Luke

Also, if Shay spent most of his life on ships, does that make him a...

 

 

Shaylor?


	79. Chapter 79

If Charles Lee was an animal would he be a Charles Leech?

 


	80. Chapter 80

Ezio is such a slut...

He should be called Easy-o

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offence to people who are promiscuous. Some like fishing, some like cooking, some like screwing everything that moves. It's sure a better pastime than judging others for their choices. Oh, and stay safe, remember to wrap it.


	81. Chapter 81

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: language that may be racist though wasn't intended as a slur, and irreverent mention of depression. But if Lisbon, Dead Haytham and The Hanged Auditores didn't clue you in...   
> (Mind: Hey, Dead Haytham and the Hanged Auditores sounds like a band. Me: shut up)

If Connor was half Native American, half European and depressed, did that make him... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Red, white and blue? 

(I apologise to anyone offended by this off-colour joke)


	82. Chapter 82

Ratonhnhaké:ton doesn't usually lie. He's just too Connor-able. 

 

 

***

 

What's Connor's favourite Nick Cave murder ballad? 

 

Stabbing Lee


	83. Chapter 83

How do Assassins hear? 

 

 

 

 

 

With their Alta-ears


	84. Chapter 84

Wonder if anyone ever told Haytham to Taco off his hat?

 


	85. Chapter 85

Why was Haytham late for his date with Ziio? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He couldn't find the Wright tavern. 


	86. Chapter 86

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably make it clear that I am not making fun of anyone's naming conventions. As a member of a nation that names people Mieczysław, I have no right to throw stones. Or scones, actually. Not that there's anything wrong with Mieczysław. Beside, you know, unpronounceability.

What do you call Connor with an axe?  
  
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Raton-Hack-A-Ton


End file.
